“I miss John, I know there were problems… but we had some really good times.”

That’s what my client told me a few months after ending a relationship.

When we first worked together, she needed support walking away from a man who was truly abusing her.

She ended it. Deleted his number.

She did everything right.

But now… she missed him.

And she was thinking about going back.

I understood her more than she knew.

Because I’ve been there too.

For a long time, I struggled to leave relationships that weren’t healthy for me.

I came from a neglected background without my parents, and because of that, I didn’t really know what healthy looked like.

I wasn’t discerning and over gave ignoring what didn’t feel right.

And I attracted people who could sense that—and would take advantage of it.

I thought I was being loving.

But really, I was just used to accepting less than I deserved.

So, when my client said, “we had some really good times,” I paused.

And then I told her something that changed the way I see relationships:

“When something isn’t good for you, it’s never all bad. If it were, you’d leave and never look back.”

“It’s the good moments—the connection, the laughter, the intensity—that keep you attached.”

"That’s what makes it confusing and hard to let go.

In fact, babies who are abused will still reach for their abusive parents when someone tries to rescue them.

Why?

Because attachment doesn’t always mean something is healthy.

It just means it’s familiar… and it meets a need.

That’s what I see all the time—not just in my clients, but in myself.

We stay because:

It feels familiar

It meets a need

It’s not all bad

And until the pain outweighs the pleasure… we don’t change.

But here’s the shift that changed everything for me:

Real relationships don't operate that way.

They are not seesaw relationships.

They’re built on friendship, mutual care and respect.

And something even deeper than all of that…

Ease.

It’s not boredom or emptiness but a sense of steadiness.

A relationship where you don’t feel like you have to fight to be seen… or lose yourself to be loved.

My client wasn’t really missing him, she was lonely.

And loneliness has a way of making the past look better than it really was.

But she didn’t hire me to go backwards.

She hired me to grow.

So, here’s the question:

What in your life feels good… but isn’t actually good for you?

Who gives you moments of connection—but leaves you drained, confused, or diminished?

Not all relationships are meant to stay.

But that doesn’t mean we avoid relationships altogether.

We need them.

We just have to learn how to recognize what’s healthy… so we don’t mistake intensity for connection, or familiarity for love.

You’re not meant to be trapped by what hurts you—

even if part of you still wants it.

This is why we get help and search and pursue a meaningful purpose.

But we will talk about how to do that in future posts.

Much love,

Bert