It was only the second time she was meeting her now husband’s family.

 

At the first dinner, she sat almost speechless—watching as they asked about each other’s day, listened attentively, and spoke with kindness.

It was nothing like the family dynamic she grew up in, where the quickest way to be noticed was to make fun of someone, and the smallest show of vulnerability became a target for ridicule.

 

A few months later, something happened again at her husband’s family’s house

 

His 13-year-old niece had been taking voice lessons and was excited—nervous, but excited—to perform for everyone.

 

The young girl opened her mouth to sing… and the notes were wildly off-key.

 

My friend told me she almost burst out laughing while everyone else seemed to not notice.

 

They listened attentively.

 

She had to physically restrain herself for the entire performance from laughing and kept catching looks from her husband.

 

Because in her family, this never would have happened.

 

No one would have dared to sing—even if they were good.

 

And if someone did sing off-key? They’d be roasted for years.

 

In her family, vulnerability wasn’t safe.

 

Trying something new, being imperfect, or needing encouragement was an invitation for attack—not support.

 

But after the moment passed—and after she recovered from her own instinctive reaction—she told me what that experience taught her.

 

She said:

 

“I realized that in the areas of support, intimacy, and encouragement…
I wasn’t raised well.”

 

“My husband grew up with support, kindness, and respect.

 

I grew up with sarcasm and quick wit, which is funny…

 

but I realized all that humor had covered over something much more important—

 

actual intimacy, gentleness, and respect.”

 

Her realization struck me deeply, and I’m sharing it with you because I believe it can help your relationships—and maybe help you understand yourself.

 

I think most people unfortunately grew up in families where sarcasm and roasting were more welcome than intimacy.

 

And of course, today I hear people label each other so quickly—

“Narcissist.”

“Toxic.”

Or whatever the catch phrase of the moment is.

 

I see people ghost their friends, lovers, even their own parents.

 

I see people becoming more distant, less patient, and more relationally fragile.

 

My friend’s story reminded me what it actually means to be in a real relationship~

 

what the true word family is supposed to mean.

 

It may seem “too vanilla” or even boring to let a family member sing off-key without roasting them.

 

And maybe it is a little vanilla.

 

But maybe—just maybe—what we call boring is actually generosity.

Maturity.

Love.

 

Maybe it’s not about performing a joke to get a quick laugh or a moment of attention…

but about protecting a young person’s (or anyone's) esteem, about teaching them:

 

“It’s safe to try.

It’s safe to be imperfect.

It’s safe to be yourself here.”

 

And in a world where everyone thinks people are already “too sensitive,”

where “everyone gets a trophy,”

 

how do we reconcile that?

 

Well, in this case no one said the girl was perfect.

 

No one pretended the performance didn’t need work.

 

They simply chose not to shame her for trying.

 

That’s family.

 

And that’s why her story touched me so deeply—

 

because my friend recognized something she didn’t receive growing up:

 

a culture of safety, support, and true intimacy.

 

I believe we have a lot of remembering to do in our relationships.

 

We need to remember what decency is.

What respect is.

What intimacy actually looks like.

 

It isn’t complicated.

It isn’t boring.

 

It’s love.

And without love, nothing makes sense.

The world becomes crazy.

 

Wishing you beautiful, “vanilla,” whole relationships.

 

if you read this and realized,

 

“Yeah… I never learned these relational skills either,”

then this is your opportunity to change that.

 

I currently have a few 1:1 coaching slots open—perfect for anyone wanting to upgrade how they communicate, lead, love, and show up in relationships and life.

 

And if you’re looking for a more accessible option,

my Group Coaching Program kicks off in the New Year.

It’s engaging, affordable, and gives you a supportive community to grow with.

 

If you know it’s time for deeper emotional intelligence, healthier patterns, and more meaningful connection—

reach out. Let’s talk.

 

Much love,

Bert

 

Bert Astacio, PCC, CPT B-Fit Mind/Body Center 35 E. Main Street,Suite1 Marlton, NJ 08053 856-630-0581

bertastacio.com

www.bfitlifecoaching.com