I was born into chaotic, violent, and neglectful circumstances.

 

To survive as a young boy, my nervous system did what every human nervous system does under threat.

 

It reached for one of four instinctive responses:

Fight.

Flight.

Freeze.

Or fawn.

 

You may not have heard of fawn.

 

Fawning is the strategy of giving—attention, approval, flattery—in order to stay safe.

 

This wasn’t a conscious decision for me. It just happened.

 

I tried the other options.

 

I tried to fight, but I was too small.

I tried to run, but again, I was too small.

I froze—but that didn’t work either.

 

What I learned to do was disappear.

 

To have no needs.

 

To not take up space.

 

To not be a problem.

 

That became a pattern: being nice.

 

I believed that if I cared enough, gave enough, and anticipated enough, the people around me would be happy—and I wouldn’t get hurt.

 

As a child, that strategy makes sense.

 

It’s not ideal, but it can keep you alive.

 

It just doesn’t work very well for living.

 

I carried this pattern into adulthood. I became a people-pleaser—nice, accommodating, and over-giving.

 

If I could just give enough, everyone would be okay.

 

But there’s a cost to that strategy.

 

The more I gave, the more depleted I became.

 

And at the same time, the less accountability and responsibility others carried.

 

So, I had to change.

 

That wasn’t easy. For me, it felt like wearing different skin.

 

Today, there is a lot of talk about narcissists.

 

What we talk about far less are people-pleasers.

 

Yet both are two sides of the same coin.

 

Narcissists feel so empty they take in order to fill themselves up, because they can’t see who they truly are.

 

People-pleasers feel empty too—but they give, for the very same reason.

 

The two are attracted to each other like magnets.

 

The narcissist overtakes and the people pleaser over gives.

 

After working with many good coaches, pastors, spiritual teachers, and therapists, I began to see the pattern clearly.

 

I also didn't want to become hard, closed, or cold. That wasn’t living either.

 

One reason I chose to disappear when I was younger—and later overdo it—was because I didn’t want to lose my heart like the people who hurt me.

 

I realized something early on: if they were truly happy, they wouldn’t have been hurting me the way they did.

 

I wasn’t going to let that happen to me.

 

So, now being aware of all of this, what was the answer?

 

I had to learn a balanced way of living.

 

My questions became:

 

How do you live in the world in a way that is truly loving?

 

How do you become powerful without being taken advantage of—yet also not take advantage of others?

The answer was simple, but not easy:

 

Not being nice—but being good.

 

To be truly good means I care about myself and others.

 

Enough to have boundaries.

Enough to keep my heart open.

Enough to accept that I will make mistakes—and so will everyone else.

 

I learned that if I’m here, I’m meant to be here.

 

Disappearing doesn’t help anyone—least of all me.

 

God gave me a purpose.

 

Some people will like how I live. Some won’t. And that has nothing to do with my worth.

 

I remember a teacher once sharing a principle he called the Law of Lesser Pissers.

 

If you have the choice to piss someone else off or yourself off always choose them.

Or said another way...If you have to choose between disappointing someone else or betraying yourself—choose to disappoint them.

 

Like most people-pleasers, I worried: What if I go too far?

 

I asked a therapist I was seeing at the time. He said,

 

“Bert, even if you tried your best to take advantage of people, and you wanted to rate it on a scale of 1 to 10, you wouldn’t even be at a 5.”

 

He was saying it wasn't in my nature to take advantage of others.  I needed to be more concerned in giving too much of myself away.

 

That changed everything.

 

I didn’t write this for people who take advantage of others.

 

I wrote it for the people who are nice, accommodating, avoiding conflict, the nice guys and girls, the pleasers.

 

For those who believe they’re helping by having no needs, no boundaries, and no voice.

 

I’m here to tell you—you’re not helping.

 

Not you or anyone else.

 

You deserve to be here just as much as anyone else.

 

Your life isn’t to be given away to avoid conflict.

 

It’s meant to be lived in alignment with your purpose.

 

Standing up for yourself may feel like wearing a different skin.

 

But it will be more than worth it and you will feel more alive than you have ever felt before.

 

I can’t wait to see you not only reappear—but shine.

 

Much love,

Bert

 

p.s. If this resonated with you and you need help just reply back or contact me and we can discuss it.