I was watching an interview with a celebrity who had left her marriage.

 

She talked about dating a “nice guy” afterward but said it didn’t work out because that’s not what she needed.

 

She said she needed chaos, and that’s why she was attracted to the bad boy type.

 

I actually appreciated the honesty.

 

The interviewer then made the comment that women don’t want nice guys.

 

But I think there’s something deeper going on here and wanted to address it because young people are influenced by these things.

 

When someone comes out of a marriage or a serious relationship, there’s a lot to process.

 

There’s grief, disappointment, confusion, shattered hopes, lessons, regrets, loneliness, and the loss of the future we thought we were going to have.

 

That’s a lot.

 

It’s almost like an emotional amputation.

 

Something has been removed from your life and now you have to heal, rehabilitate, and learn how to adjust to who you are now.

 

Most people don’t do that work.

 

Not because they’re bad people, but because sitting with pain is hard and they’re usually unaware of what they even need.

 

So instead, many people distract themselves.

 

Dating, drinking, traveling, attention, surgeries, clothes, social media, work, partying —

 

anything to take their mind off what they really feel inside.

 

And the difficult part is this:

 

When someone healthy comes along and treats us well, they may not feel like a match to us.

 

In fact, healthy people can make unhealed people uncomfortable because unconsciously they remind us of what we haven’t dealt with yet.

 

So, what happens?

 

Chaos starts feeling exciting.

 

And often the only people who match our dysfunction are people carrying dysfunction themselves.

 

Opportunistic people.

Broken people.

People who may use us, manipulate us, or deepen the wounds we already had.

 

And because we’re unhealthy too, we may overlook all the warning signs.

 

And it even feels exciting like a high.

 

But there’s a cost to this.

 

A bad boy isn’t always just a fun distraction.

 

Sometimes the damage becomes very real — disease, financial hardship, broken self-esteem, trauma, shame, and even losing hope that healthy love exists at all.

 

And that’s the part that concerns me the most.

 

Because after enough hurt, people stop believing peace or real relationships are possible.

 

Then they start normalizing dysfunction

 

But chaos isn’t normal.

 

Dysfunction has simply become familiar.

 

And familiar can feel attractive when we haven’t healed.

 

Now let me be clear about something.

 

I do believe there are “nice guys” and “nice girls” who are actually people pleasers.

 

That’s not healthy either.

 

People pleasing is not love.

 

It's someone trying to get love by being overly accommodating.

 

But let’s also be careful not to label someone who is healthy as this.

 

Healthy people are not boring or weak.

 

We may just sometimes not be emotionally healthy enough to feel comfortable with them like the celebrity above.

 

I think almost everyone goes through rough seasons in life.

 

That’s human.

 

But if you find yourself constantly attracted to chaos, drama, emotionally unavailable people, or relationships that slowly destroy your peace, don’t shame yourself.

 

But do recognize it as a warning sign.

 

Take a step back.

 

Work on your inner world.

 

Heal.

 

Because healthy love may feel strange at first to unhealed people, but that doesn’t mean healthy love is wrong.

 

It means there’s still healing to do.

 

And if this celebrity had taken time after her marriage — time alone to grieve, reflect, heal, and rediscover herself instead of jumping into another relationship — she probably would have had a very different story to tell.

 

One filled with growth instead of more chaos.

 

One that gave people hope.

 

That’s part of why second and third marriages typically have higher divorce rates than first marriages.

 

People repeat patterns without stopping long enough to understand what they’re carrying into the next relationship.

 

So, if you’re someone healthy and you were rejected, don’t immediately assume something is wrong with you.

 

Sometimes people reject what’s healthy because chaos feels more familiar.

 

And if you are the one attracted to chaos, remember this:

 

You are not broken beyond repair.

 

You may simply be wounded and trying to escape pain the only way you currently know how.

 

But there is a better way.

 

If this spoke to you and you need help just reach out.

 

Remember who you are.

 

Much love,

 

Bert